WELCOME, READERS!

I'm Lala. 8 years in blogging based in Malaysia. English writer. Bachelor's degree in Communication at Universiti Putra Malaysia. Former Radio Presenter at PutraFM and Former Journalist Trainee at BERNAMA. I currently work as Assistant Producer at Bernama News Channel (astro ch 502).

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For advertising, collaboration, sponsorship, event coverage, product review etc, kindly reach me at lalarahim@hotmail.com


WELCOME, READERS!

I'm Lala. 8 years in blogging based in Malaysia. English writer. Bachelor's degree in Communication at Universiti Putra Malaysia. Former Radio Presenter at PutraFM and Former Journalist Trainee at BERNAMA. I currently work as Assistant Producer at Bernama News Channel (astro ch 502).

View my complete profile

For advertising, collaboration, sponsorship, event coverage, product review etc, kindly reach me at lalarahim@hotmail.com

You-turn.

by - November 26, 2013
Allah tidak melihat pada permulaanmu, tetapi pengakhiranmu.


Sometimes when I sat silently and muhasabah myself. I was thinking, why I hijrah masa dulu? Im wondering what's my point? Am I sincere? "Lala... are you sincere with yourself?" that unwanted voice came out of the blue, haunting me that moment. I was crying. I really disappointed with myself. If I really changed, why cant I leave my bad behaviour? Why Im still committing the same sins? Why cant I forget what I've done? And why lala... why, you're still looking at your past photos and you were thinking of being like that again..?

And I stop. This is...
What I dont want to happen. I dont want this hijrah! I dont want to dressing labuh-labuh macam ni. I dont want to such a very veeerrry gewd girl! This isnt Lala. This isnt ME! This is wrong, wrong step. Im not sincere. Well I was being culture shock since I entered university of doing foundation. I saw all women were wearing hijab, and I was only one girl who wasnt wearing hijab in my class, lepastu hijrah pun sudah macam trend. What is this??

He's right.. Im easy to get influenced. I admitted that. I think, but I was lucky. Well at least, I'M TRYING! Eventhough Im not sincere what I am doing now, but Im trying, Im learning, daripada tak tahu, lebih baik belajar. There's a wisdom why I hijrah.

After entered university again, kali ni pursuing degree pulak, God sent me friends which diorang sangat social and tak seperti macam my friends yang ala2 ustazah, alim-alim bagai. No, diorang tak seperti itu. But you know what, these friends are far much better than my friends yang tersebut. Even diorang social tapi jaga aku, even diorang perangai macam sial tapi still ingat Tuhan. They said.. "Lalaa... kita semua buat dosa.." At first aku dah macam terpengaruh sikit dengan diorang, hati aku goyah, iman aku semakin berkurangan.. Allahu.. inilah dugaan paling berat. Dan akhirnya aku lalai. I failed. Again. Hidup ini adalah pilihan, kita diberi dua jalan iaitu jalan kebaikan dan jalan kejahatan. I wasnt blame on them. I really sincere to be their friends. They're make me cheers, make me happy, make me open up my eyes and see this world! The world that full of life. Sebenarnyakan, tak salah berkawan dengan sesiapa sekalipun, biarpun diorang jahat atau baik, itu sendiri pilihan kita nak jadi macam diorang ke tak, siapa suruh kau terpengaruhkan. Salah kau lah. Akhirnya aku faham.. aku faham dah kenapa aku berhijrah awal-awal. Sebab inilah.. sebab kalau aku jumpa kengkawan aku sekarang ni, pasti aku akan jadi sial lebih teruk. Pasti aku akan jauh daripada Allah. Ya Allah.. alhamdulillah... I really comfortable to be their friends. Fandi, Aisyah and Jihan were my close-friends right now, for degree. They really taught me about life memandangkan aku baru 19 tahun, budak hingusan yang masih merangkak baru nak tengok dunia luar dan aku yang paling muda antara mereka. Sebelum aku terjerat dengan dunia, diorang banyak gila nasihatkan aku, marah aku also. Because I was the one who being a stupid. And about love also. I rather to be friends with them than be friend with this friend, named initial Z. Dia memang extremely alim, selalu tegur aku dan kadang aku sangat rimas teguran dia sebab aku perasan yang dia mencari kesalahan aku! Aku tahulah okay dia penghuni syurga bagai, tapi seriously dia dah lukakan hati aku tanpa dia sedar. Inikah kawan? Dia cela masa lampau aku lagi. Aku ni taktahu agama, tak belajar agamalah katanya. Ah pastu aku tinggalkan dia dan aku jumpa kengkawan baru ni. See, Allah bukakan mata aku. Allah tunjukkan mana benar mana salah.

Im still muhasabah myself. This moment, I want to get up. Slow-slow berubah sekali lagi. Nampak tak loser gila aku ni. Ikhlaskan hati. Tak mengapa, Allah Maha Pengampun. Selagi aku masih hidup, aku akan buat kesilapan dan belajar. I cant stand alone, I need to move in group. Macam join usrah semula, baca buku ilmiah and join any activities about religion. Haa thats all. At the same time, I wont leave my friends, they're really kind bagi aku, aku terima walau macam mana pun buruknya diorang, aku terima seadanya. Diorang je kengkawan aku dalam class ni, takde yang rapat selain mereka. Tapi dalam UPM ni aku memang ramai friends, kengkawan masa foundation dulu.

And Im still keep on muhasabah.. Why Allah presenting him in my life? When I think about myself, the past me. I was a bit socializing, im easy-outgoing and meet people randomly. Especially guys. Well I love to be friends with guys more than girls. Well, tipulah kalau kata tak mahu ada serious relationship, tak terfikir untuk berkahwin dan tak ingin bercinta. Itukan fitrah manusia. Its common thing. Yes, i admit it. I ever once think about having a serious-relationship, be in love and want to marry a man. But I was wrong at first. Of what I am doing masa couple-couple dulu, itu semua cinta monyet. It is not love. Love shuld be flow in Allah's way. Cinta sepatutnya mestilah ingin bersama-sama selamanya sampai ke syurga, ada ke sampai neraka? Of what I did in past semuanya menjerat ke lembah neraka. And alhamdulillah after hijrah, I stop everything. No coupling nor scandaling even crushing to any guy pun takde. Masa hijrah dulu hanya focus ingin mencari keredhaan Allah sahaja. Tak terfikir untuk berkahwin langsung sebab hati aku dah tertutup sepenuhnya pada lelaki sampaikan kawan advising me, jangan sampai macam tuh. Entahlah, keras hati ni. I felt like there's no feeling for guy no more sebab aku rasa dah tiada lelaki yang baik di dunia sebab dulu ex semua macam sial, so dia effect until now. I dont believe them. And loves, couples. That was wrong! I only believe love after married. Selagi tak berkahwin selagi tu aku takkan setia dan takkan bercinta. Itu prinsip aku. And so Allah, why Allah met me and him at this early moment? we're 19y. Muhasabah lagi, mencari persoalan. Rupa-rupanya aku dah dapat satu. His presence make me learn about loyalty. Serious aku cakap, tanpa dia aku takkan insaf punya! aku takkan rasa bersalah pun chatting dengan lelaki, keluar dengan lelaki. Everytime when I talk with guys, or met or near to them mesti aku akan fikirkan dia. Mesti terbayang-bayang dia. I think, I have him right now, buat apa perlu mencari lagi. He's perfect for me just the way he is. The one that I've been waiting for. Dialah, dialah orang yang aku perlukan. I need his strength to keep standing. Actually, I dont even know him totally, I dont meet him oftenly. I dont know whether he can stay loyal with me, he lie or not that was unsure. But its okay.. I dont depends on him, I can do it by myself. He's got his own life, Im nothing. I always get used to it, even with or without him, that doesnt even break me.

So whats up with me now?
Slowly, i took a step to change myself to be better day by day. Im staying away from people that know me. Im finding a piece of myself again. Kalau nak kenal diri sendiri, kena kenal Penciptanya dulu. Yes. Tarbiyyah. Cari hidayah setiap hari. Even kalau dah banyak kali jatuh, ni dah sampai tersungkur berdarah, akan bangun jugak walau sakit mana. Takpe, mungkin aku akan kehilangan kengkawan sebab kekadang they all ask me to go out but I refused. Everytime. I wish that they could understand. I wish that I wasnt a social girl who loves to hangout. Even berseronoklah kerap mana sekalipun, tapi hati tetap rasa kosong. Sepi.

Its okay.
One day I'll come back
in a new perspectives
in a new spirit
in a just the way I am.

Moga dikurniakan huznul khatimah. Amin.

About The Author

Malaysia Blogger. Assistant Producer at Bernama News Channel. Bachelor's Degree holder in Communication, Universiti Putra Malaysia.

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