H e l l o!

I'm Lala Rahim. Blogger based in Malaysia. Just a girl who never stopped to appreciate the beauty above me.

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H e l l o!

I'm Lala Rahim. Blogger based in Malaysia. Just a girl who never stopped to appreciate the beauty above me.

View my complete profile

For advertising, collaboration, sponsorship, event coverage, product review etc, kindly reach me at lalarahim@hotmail.com

They call me The Heartbreaker, what do you think?

by - March 28, 2015
I may not be the girl that he wanted. I'm just me, myself. I can't be kind, I can't be pretty.
Hit by the past and I'm drowning myself into a dark hole.
I'm sorry for being so over. I push him away and knock him down.
I realize that he is the only one man among so many guys I had met before, that understand me so well, stayed with my hot-tempered kind of girl.

I can't stop crying because of what I did to him. Mine, filled with so much regretness.


Dear my readers,
I just want him to know that deep inside my heart, I could not stop this feeling. I really love you Ahmd Hzm (for the first time I reveal his name in my blog itupun i make it short but i bet you know this short-name-form). It's almost two years be with him and that is one thing that I never have regret. I'm not bothered langsung if he hate me, I'm not bother if he is belong to someone else. Because I love him and I really love him sincerely, deeply.
And he doesn't know how hard I am going through this hardships after I broke with him. I was mingling with new people cause I search for him in everyone else but i don't find it. How unhappy I am with myself until one day I did a big mistake by hurting others' heart without my realization. One night my friend, Z asked me to meet him. I went out sebab dia kata ada benda serious nak kena berbincang dan dia paksa aku banyak kali suruh keluar sekarang ikut dia. Nak taknak aku pun turun ar kat cafe waktu tu pukul 12 malam. He said I hurt their friend until their friend became a bit tak betul because of me. Frust sebab aku. I know there's many more guys I had hurt. I'm so sorry I never thought that they hurt because of me cause I've already told them not to put any hopes on me and I already said NO, I guess they are just playing with me so I left them simply like that heartlessly. So now I've been labelled by the guys as "The Heart-breaker".

I feel like unbelievable of what he said, banyak kali aku tanya betul ke that boy frust sebab aku sampai demam, sampai jadi macam tak siuman. Dah lama-lama tu aku percayalah sikit, takkan Z nak tipu aku kan.. lagipun kawan-kawan diorang awal lagi dah nasihatkan dia, Jangan dengan Lala, jangan.. tapi dia degil gak nak usha aku. Tu cerita yang aku dengar ar. Phone aku kena selongkar sebab nak tengok apa yang aku chat dengan member lelaki tu sampai dia frust, twitter aku pun diorang stalk, wechat aku Z pegang kejap. Tu yang aku stop tweeting tu. Nanti teruk aku.

Z : Bagitahu aku berapa banyak lelaki yang kau pernah contact??
Me: Emm.. entah lah.. tak terkira. (Im just being jujur)
Z : Haa banyakkan. Yang kau contact secara deep berapa??
Me : Mana ada sangat... Tapi aku cuma kawan je dengan diorang, just being friendly.


Hmm.. tu belum masuk lelaki di luar UPM. Pukul 1 pagi baru aku balik bilik selepas discuss, nasib baik ada 2 orang je lelaki kat situ kalau ramai member diorang panggil naya aku. Aku bukan tak care doh dengan semua orang yang pernah aku kenal. Aku nak gak tanya diorang apa khabar. Cumanya Z nasihatkan aku stop terus jangan contact dah dengan lelaki-lelaki yang sudah frust dengan aku. Move on. Tapi memang bukan salah Lala.


I hope I can stop the wrong thing I do. I will turn off! It is all because the social medias. I already stop tweeting. And I need to stop posting pictures on Instagram too. I need to stay away from social networks. Fix myself but I know my name is already been blacklisted. Dah buruk dah pun nama aku dan susah untuk dibersihkan sebab aku dulu dan setelah bertudung labuh pun still, they called, "The Heart-breaker". Ni member-member lelaki lah yang label. Nasib baik aku rapat dengan sorang lelaki yang aku anggap brother, dia yang suruh aku turun so I hope he will defend me. Dan dia ada cakap kat aku kalau nak cari lelaki pun jangan cari kat UPM dah sebab nama aku dah blacklisted dengan budak-budak lelaki kat sini (sebab semua lelaki kat upm ni aku dah sapu katanya). Macam tak sangka.. everybody will hate me now.

To all my blog readers, yahh this is me, I'm revealing myself and I'm such a jerk.


Kalau aku berubah sekalipun, I can't clean my name. They won't trust me anymore.


Sebab masa lampau aku memang dah macam ni, so bila aku berhijrah then buat lagi perangai lebih-lebih lagi aku dah bertudung labuh tu yang tak kena dengan diri aku. Sampaikan aku rasa penampilan aku yang muslimah ni tak sesuai dengan diri aku. Boleh tak nak tanggalkan hijab ni dan jadi diri sendiri macam masa lalu? Tapi bila fikir balik aku pakai pakaian macam ni kerana Allah jugak. Cumanya bagilah aku masa untuk kikis perangai lama aku kan. They cant blame on me. Diorang tak boleh tengok dari salah dari side aku je, tengoklah dari side lelaki-lelaki yang try on me. Diorang yang put hopes too much. Aku melayan sebagai kawan je. I'm just being friendly. Sebab diri aku yang lalu pun memang friendly, memang gila-gila sikit aaannd yelah a bit social lah jugak aku waktu dulu. Aku dah bosan dengan pakaian-pakaian lama aku yang mendedah aurat ni, takkan tak boleh aku bertudung labuh? Jadi they all have point to bash me due to my appearance. Kiranya macam aku failed lah bab ikhtilat. Hello, I'm learning! Izit wrong being friendly?

Lebih baik orang cop aku sombong daripada calling me a playgirl.



I'm sorry everyone. I'm sorry to dear one I love too. I hope he will become a very good person and be happy, be very very happy even without me. I am no longer be the one that he need. I'm such a pathetic, useless. Aku mesti redha dengan apa yang telah berlaku. Instead of saying moving on, I better say redha. Roommate cakap kalau nak move on, anggap jelah yang dia dah ada girlfriend lain even dia memang takde. So that slowly I will back off. Aku tengok dia happy je tanpa aku okay lah kan. Berkorban perasaan lala.. Cinta yang ikhlas tu takkan mengharapkan dia untuk membalas cinta kita semula. Berbahagia apabila tengok orang yang kita cinta itu bahagia. Manalah tahu kan Allah akan gantikan dengan lelaki yang lebih baik dari dia. Yang aku sendiri pun tak tersangka. Its okay, just improvise. Tapi aku takkan putus contact lah dengan dia, tak perlu pun aku putuskan hubungan dengan dia walaupun kadang-kadang dia text aku tak reply sebab aku rasa tak perlu. Bila ada something happened atau tanya khabar je aku akan reply text dia, tak perlu panjang-panjang bersembang nanti berperasaanlah pulak. Dia kan hanya kawan, *smile :)



So I have already reveal his short-name-form here, I guess this is the last time I talk about him. I'm sorry I am no where near perfect. I can't write better so I guess this is enough. If you have anything to ask me, you can ask me here: www.ask.fm/flouera

All I do now is improving my nawaitu, I should set in my mind whatever I do is to get His bless. I do pray for the one I really loved. Agak malu lah jugak masa nak typing semua ni dalam blog, aku fikir banyak kali tau nak post ke tak nak post ke tak. I hope people who read this will take a lesson from my story tau.

Au revoir (Goodbye) dear. You're really kind, I can feel your sincerity in which I couldn't get from anyone else, he was there in my past, he knows about my problems and he knows every sides of me. Me either, I know his style, I know the way he eats, I recognize his voice, his smell. I can recognize him from his back, the body that I miss, I miss everything in him. I can see him with my bare eyes which I'm a short-sightedness person I can't see people clearly but him, I think I have instinct on him. I can't resist him. But now he's gone because of my faults. Surely I can live without him too in shaa Allah. Dekatkan diri dengan Allah mungkin aku dapat lupakan dia. Ada jodoh ada.




"And if you are destined to be with me, no matter what happen, we will be together." he said.

Nrl Adla.
26.3.2015

About The Author

Malaysia Blogger. Assistant Producer at Bernama News Channel. Bachelor's Degree holder in Communication, Universiti Putra Malaysia.

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2 comments

  1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilawgDclMpI

    this is my favorite scene from my favorite novel ever. and the phrase "we accept the love we think we deserve" is my favorite quote ever.

    mungkin tak ada kaitan, tapi, I hope it helps.

    maybe we deserve more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think i have heard about the quote.. i like it too

      Delete