"I don't want to be alone"

"O' Lord, I don't want to be alone, cherish my life."

Everytime I performed solah, I always pray (also wherever I go) that I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be left hanging. I'm scare.

Did you know that since I was a small kid, I cannot wake up and realize that no one is in home. I'll cry. Until now, even though saya dah masuk universiti, saya akan rasa sunyi tanpa roommate saya, I can't survive to wake up alone. Sebab dari kecil lagi saya memang macam tu. Pernah suatu ketika masa saya berada di tingkatan 1, saya sekolah pada sesi petang tapi saya sanggup bangun awal pagi bersama-sama dengan mama dan ayah sebelum mereka bergerak pergi kerja. But still, I felt alone, I watched a television, it's a cartoon which is my favourite, I cried while watching it.

Because.. I don't want to be alone.

I do text my roommate whenever she's going out. Doesn't mean I'm scare of ghost haha no! But I just cannot wake up alone. Do I look like a spoil child? Kiddo.

Sometimes, when I got someone that scare to lose me, I'm the one who walk away and leave them. But then I realize, I made a mistake before, I left precious people in my life, I feel so different and lonely without them. Now that they are gone, include him. Yah to tell you that I have him now but everything has changed, he wasn't a guy that I know before. Maybe it's true that he's mad at me for leaving him due to a silly reason, I admit it I'm wrong. Jadi bila semuanya sudah tidak seperti dulu lagi, saya hanya mampu tawakal dengan hubungan ini dan saya redha yang saya sudah "hilang" diri dia yang dulu, everything has changed, saya terima dengan redha dan saya bersabar dengan hubungan yang tak seberapa ini, ada dia pun dah cukup bagi saya. Kalau ada jodoh ada, semuanya perlukan masa. Time heals. I'm not gonna lose my faith, whatever will be, will be. I don't want to expect more about being together with him because I know high expectation can lead to a broken heart. I don't want to be alone, yes. And if he doesn't spend his time on me as much as I need it, I'm not gonna go talk to someone else, instead I will stay waiting. I think that Allah just want to test me, to teach me how to stand on my own two feet. I'm strong. I just hope that my relationship with him will be better than before, even though it is not so sweet like anyone else, but I am thankful enough for having a man like him, I know that he's a kind person. I learned a lot of things by knowing him.

"Improvise," as he said.
I left my bestfriends too.

We are human and, therefore, are creatures filled with urges. Our wants aren’t always logical, they aren’t always wise, nor are they always beneficial – they’re simply pleasant. Being alone is a physical description (meaning when we are alone, we are just not with people), while loneliness is a feeling that often is experienced as negative and painful. 

I need some help.


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